Referee Union head Alan Leighton must be related to ex-United goalie Jim; there’s simply no other explanation as to why he’s continued to prolong the tedium of the Fergie/Wiley saga. Unless, of course, he’s parasiting on someone else’s fame and is hot, breathless and horny from seeing his name in print.

No sooner was the matter closed than Leighton opened it again, publicly speculating as to whether Wiley would sue - a question he’d have been better off discussing with the man himself. He may also have been wise to consult a lawyer, but instead chose to make sure he got in the papers again, at the price of showcasing his ignorance. For a statement to be defamatory - as set out by Lord Atkin in Sim v Stretch, in case anyone’s interested - it must lower the Claimant in the estimation of right-thinking members of society.

So let’s look at the evidence. Fergie apologised, pleased guilty, was punished by an independent body and was the subject of unanimous condemnation. Very clearly, he was the only person lowered in the estimation of anyone, and for his trouble was hit with a hefty fine and touchline ban – a pretty stern punishment for a remark made in the heat of the moment. But still this wasn’t enough for Leighton, wading in yet again lest he be dispatched back to anonymity; expect to see him in the Australian jungle some time in the future, eating live lizards and singing “Take A Look At Me Now”.

This would be a whole lot more entertaining that England’s “prestige friendly” with Brazil, more boring than a pneumatic drill. It was, though, nice to see Rooney captaining the side. The current United squad has been criticised in the past for a lack of on-pitch leadership, but increasingly that’s not the case. Rooney, Evra, Fletcher and Evans are all showing signs not only of the cajoling that’s associated with authority, but the consistent excellence that’s a lot more important.

In these days of weekly waxing, pre-match preening and half-time hair spiking, the sight of Rooney’s chest hair overflowing from his shirt was equally gratifying. Talking of matters sartorial, with humidity in Doha at ridiculous levels, what on earth possessed Fabio Capello to choose a blue shirt? Wear white with a t-shirt underneath and your shvitz might just go unnoticed, wear blue and you look like you’re urinating from your armpits.

No doubt Rooney will be working up a similar sweat this weekend, with United playing Everton. While the animosity their fans feel towards him is understandable, they’d do well to note his recent declaration that he’s still a Toffee and his kids will be too. It’s never pleasant to remember that Rooney’s scouse, especially seeing as he appears to “get” United more than most of his teammates, but there’s still something very decent about the implacability of his ultimate loyalty.

Despite starting the season badly, Everton will give United a hard game as they always do, and the defeat at Chelsea has left no margin for error. On that basis, it’s handy that we play Besiktas in the week, as this’ll probably prevent Fergie from selecting Scholes in a game that’ll require a different kind of midfield presence. It’d be good for Obertan to be given a start, but likely that too will have to wait until Wednesday.

At the outset, the biggest story of the international break looked like being the Egypt Algeria playoff. An absolute lesson in fanaticism, it was also refreshing that play continued with a player down, possibly injured but probably not. During United’s game at Stamford Bridge, it was particularly frustrating when Ryan Giggs booted the ball into touch to enable a Chelsea player to receive attention, even though the home team had appealed for the action to stop only after losing possession.

In the event, the France Ireland game elicited the biggest fuss of the week, the overreaction more extreme than Geary, Cherone, Badger and Bettencourt put together. Yes, Henry cheated, but what’s new about that? All players do, and a handball is no more dishonest than a foul, especially one with so little disguise.

His celebration, on the other hand, was a different matter. Rather than accept a fortuitous goal with dignity, the world’s least sheepish man launched into a performance of je suis le grand homme finger-wagging, compounding it at the final whistle by ostentatiously commiserating with Richard Dunne like some kind of corinthian.

But this should be in no way surprising; Thierry Henry happily featured in a commercial alongside Roger Federer and Tiger Woods, company in which he is entirely out of place – presumably Phil “The Power” Taylor was busy that day. He then failed to see any embarrassment in appearing in a sequel that featured Woods and Federer in cartoon form only, Henry poncing and prancing as himself in characteristic fashion.

However just as shameful has been the hand-wringing moralising of the poor put-upon Irish. Fine, they lost by virtue of bad a decision, but the World Cup qualifying campaign has been going on for two years. During that period, they didn’t do enough to get there, were given another chance, and again, didn’t do enough. The selfishness of calling for a replay, despite the implications - not just for football but for all sport - is staggering, and the FAI should be ashamed of themselves.

What was more heartwarming was Russia losing out to Slovenia, the sole smack in the mouth to FIFA’s attempts at rigging the play-offs to the advantage of their favoured nations. This brought with it the additional benefit of expunding the Hiddink myth; one man’s inspirational sorcerer is another’s lucky mercenary. Anyway, Guus, I’d avoid sushi for a while if I were you.

By a mile the weirdest story of the week was Emmanuel Eboue’s admission that “I would like to be Eddie Murphy”, a sentence that requires no further garnish. Still, it’s fair to say that Arsenal fans and the Nutty Professor would be delighted to see this royal penis Trading Places, as he’ll never feature in their Best Defence.

And finally, you wait for them for ages and then, rather like Henry handballs, two Barry Ferguson awards come along at once. Hot on the heels of Kevin Davies’ entry last week, we were immediately treated to another, courtesy of BBC Radio commentator Alan Green. Interviewed in last Sunday’s Observer, Green discussed a speech made by Alex Ferguson in honour of Bobby Robson, at BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year ceremony:

“Sir Alex came on and his hostility to the BBC is well known and I thought, that’s brilliant. He’s just pushed that aside because he knows how much it means to Sir Bobby.”

Although the pair fell out many years ago, Green nonetheless decided to write Fergie a letter of congratulation, and when response was forthcoming, took umbrage.

“And I thought, that’s just a bit off. I didn’t want a reply saying ‘Oh, we’re going to be best mates now’ but I thought he might say thanks for the note.”

So let’s get this straight; Green was churlish enough to send a letter, not for its own sake but to elicit a particular response that would be pleasing to him. When that response wasn’t forthcoming, he instead proclaimed his own magnanimity and used it as a stick with which to beat its intended recipient. And neither does the delusion end there; in Greenland, the most successful manager in the history of the game is expected to care for the approval of a radio commentator who’s spent fifteen years revelling in the animosity between them. Yes, I can see that.