Imagine this: You're a teenager from an extremely wealthy family. One day, your father calls you to his work room and unexpectedly proposes the following scenario: "Son, I've thought long and hard about this, and have come to a decision about your first car, I will either purchase you a brand new Porsche 911, or lease a used Mitsubishi Eclipse." Mouth agape and puzzled at the bizarre variety of options thrown your way, you proceed to question -- but he stops you mid sentence and utters, "That is all, no questions asked. Go back to your room."

A week later, you arrive home from school in the bus, and see a yellow Mitsubishi Eclipse parked in your driveway. That is Maxi Lopez. Maxi Lopez is a Mitsubishi Eclipse. And a Mitsubishi Eclipse looks a bit out of place parked in the driveway of a multi million dollar mansion. Sure, it might look sleek from the outside, but inside, the smell of cloth runs rampant, and one of the cupholders is broken, and certainly being parked next to a Ferrari & a Range Rover doesn't help its overall image.. And Wanda Nara.. I'm getting off track, this literally makes no sense anymore... Anyway..

The derby della madonnina. A name synonymous with hyperventilation, uncontrollable anxiety, and palpitations furious enough to disintegrate an elderly heart.

These are just some of the feelings associated with the annual match between the two Milan sides. And I use the term 'Milan sides' loosely, considering one of the teams is based out of Buenos Aires, Argentina. Bragging rights are given to the victor for the next few months, where the person will ridicule/mock/physically assault the fan of the other team upon every encounter. It has caused friendships to split, marriages to end, and Cristiano Doni to place his wager.

Moving on..

There is a rather eerie sense of change approaching the club. Players we once thought were indispensable are suddenly being shopped around to the highest bidder. Unexpected superstars being linked with the Rossoneri, and all this taking place a few days before the most important match in Italy. It is almost enough to drive a sane man into a spiralling state of lunacy.

It is the day a city becomes divided by two fervent, rival sides. Black bleeds with either red or blue this weekend. Palpitations grow rapid before the match, and you better believe a few seemingly ordinary household objects will be turned into high speed projectiles, obliterating anything in their wake throughout the course of the match. Needless to say, I lose a few years of life every derby. It is a brutal exercise for my heart, which is ill-equipped to handle such a potentially traumatic event. The derby is not even an enjoyable experience for me - there is too much anxiety involved, even if we're up by a handful of goals. Too much at stake.

As the first half of the season wrapped up last week, we learned a few valuable things from the current trends sweeping through Serie A like a rabid, uncontrollable typhoon. Milan is the capolista despite having seen a run of poor form throughout half of their games. Intergentina has sneakily crawled up the table with an unfortunate slew of positive results that has caused me to mutter the now infamous phrase WHY..IS..INTER..SO.... you know the rest.

Surprises have been abundant. From the overachieving Atalanta, to the domestically challenged Napoli, who haven't been able to replicate their sparkling Champions League form in the Serie A. So, with all this being said, it's time to move on to the mid-season awards!

If I told you two years ago that our starting strike force in 2012 would consist of: Ibrahimovic, Robinho, Cassano, and Tevez, you would've: a) mocked me mercilessly for weeks, b) recommended me to the finest psychiatrist in the area to be checked for a potentially debilitating mental illness, or c) punched me in the face for being a sensationalist idiot.

Then again, all of those three choices would seem fitting considering our main strikers fielded two years ago in a pivotal Champions League matchup vs. Manchester United were Marco Borriello, and (an atrociously out-of-place) Huntelaar, who was bizarrely deployed as a winger, even though he had no discernable pace, or crossing ability. Moving on..

Milan Insider Podcast

Love him or hate him, one thing is for sure: everyone in Italy has an opinion about Milan's owner, Silvio Berlusconi. The Italian businessman who has served three terms as the Italian Prime Minister has one unique, albeit odd trait - being the owner of one of the most important football teams in the world.

Rarely have we seen a man with such an important political connotation also try and lead a team to European glory. It makes for an interesting story line, many intertwined subplots, and plenty of headlines in newspapers around the world.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions for Milanisti throughout the world. We endured Antonio Cassano's heart wrenching (literally) sickness, we've witnessed Silvio Berlusconi's tumultuous time as the Italian Prime Minister come to an expected end, and we've been entertained by Milan's impressive five-match winning streak in Serie A, capitalized by a flurry of goals in each game.

Every positive piece of news is weighed down by a negative one. Milan have now qualified in the Champions League group stage, and the game against Barcelona at the San Siro will be decisive to see which of the two sides comes out in first place.

"BOA BOA BOA TENG TENG TENG"

This is the phrase we heard approximately 213,493 times from the legendary Tiziano Crudeli after Kevin Prince Boateng netted an improbable hattrick in 15 minutes versus Lecce. Not only was the Prince's performance one of the greatest we've seen in recent times, but it paved the way for Milan to climb back atop the upper half of the Serie A table.

New Milan Insider Podcast!

I've decided to write this column from 30,000 feet in the air for much needed inspiration. There's nothing quite like staring out of an airplane window and seeing clouds resembling Cassano's gut.

Ibra: score some goals instead of fixing your ponytail. ©AP

There's only so much a team can do to stop Barcelona's rabid attack of elves. Milan knew that they'd lose in a battle of tic tac midfield passing, as half their midfield has two stone bricks instead of feet. Rather, Allegri tired out Barcelona by playing a very deep line, and letting the world class defensive pairing of Sandro Nesta and Thiago Silva neutralize the thunderous blaugrana attack.

As a wise man named Tiziano Crudeli once said, 'Il Miracolo al Camp Nou'. (The Miracle at the Camp Nou)