Ayers Rock, Mount Everest, Greenland, Sam Allardyce. Blackburn's manager is not a small fella. I am reliably informed that in order to stay upright he is required to use one of those anti-gravity belts beloved of Baron Vladimir Harkonnen in Dune. But enough about this Jupiter of a man (Big Sam has my total respect by the way, this is the guy who made Bolton a force). United are famous for big things too. We have had Big Ron, Big Norm, big crowds of course and are The Biggest Football Club in the World TM. What we have not had yet this season is a big performance. We need one.
Baron Vladimir Harkonnen
I remember a few years ago when United and Arsenal slugged it out for championships like Borg and McEnroe and we, quite unexpectedly, tonked them 6-1. It was widely assumed that because they were the top two teams in the country that itâ€™d be, you know, quite an even game.
The truth was, United were miles ahead and Arsenal were â€˜rebuildingâ€™, as they say in football parlance. Why does this result come back into my mind now? Yep, you guessed it, weâ€™re going to Stamford Bridge next week and Chelsea look like they could win the Grand National at the moment.
United have got serious talent in the side, Berbatovâ€™s goal lifted the soul on Saturday, but I have a horrible feeling we are about to get found out. Whisper it quietly, but United have leaned on an awful lot of luck so far. Beating Arsenal and City, although not outrageously jammy, might have maxed out our cosmic credit card of good fortune.
Why is this so? Because nobody has the slightest idea what is our best midfield. Our central defensive partnership has signed on for another stint in the Casualty cast and, um, Nani.
It must be terrible for any winger starting at United. There is a statue of George outside the stadium and a training pitch full of defenders who are used to trying to tackle Giggs and Ronaldo. Unfortunately, for all of their obvious talent, the boys are not yet men.
I have no doubts about the ability of Messrs Valencia, Nani, Pogba and Tocsic but I have serious reservations about their readiness for a game at Stamford Bridge. One can only assume that Fergie will play Scholes Giggs and Carrick in the fixture. This, one suspects, does not fill the hearts and minds of Ballack, Essien and Lampard with a sense of dread.
Far be it from me to question the wisdom of Mr. Ferguson when it comes to matters of team selection but the side of caution has been leaned on. We need to not lose to Chelsea and it is time to step up. Whatever the midfield next week, I hope we see â€˜swashâ€™ and â€˜buckleâ€™ in there somewhere too. It is about time.
In other news, Fulham are my new second favourite Premier League team.