Sergio Billy Bob Costa-Rodriguez-Chevalier-Smyth has been tearing it up recently for FC Athletico Sporting La Bayer VFL Wanderers SV

The Papers announce that Real Madrid, Barcelona, Milan, Inter, Juventus, Chelsea, Manchester United and Manchester City are interested in him.

If the player is French so are Arsenal, if he's Spanish or Hungarian so are Liverpool.

A move is imminent.

Or not.

The players Father/Brother/Third Cousin once removed/Uncle/Half Cousin but we don't talk about him/Pet Donkey let it be known that they might be interested in talking with Real Madrid, Barcelona, Milan, Inter, Juventus, Chelsea, Manchester United and Manchester City but that the player is happy at FC Athletico Sporting La Bayer VFL Wanderers SV and is interested in signing a new and improved long term contract.

If the player is under 20 the papers report that a transfer deal is being offered that will include a loan back to FC Athletico Sporting La Bayer VFL Wanderers SV for at least one more season.

The player's agent announces that his Father/Brother/Third Cousin once removed/Uncle/Half Cousin but we don't talk about him/Pet Donkey was speaking incorrectly and the player is happy at FC Athletico Sporting La Bayer VFL Wanderers SV.

The player's Father/Brother/Third Cousin once removed/Uncle/Half Cousin but we don't talk about him/Pet Donkey announces that they are the player's new agent.

Player signs for Real or Barcelona but never Milan, Inter, Juventus, Chelsea, Manchester United or Manchester City.

The Papers run articles proclaiming that La Liga is now the best league in the world.

Muppets. The National Press... The lot of 'em.