In a radical move BBC bosses, conscious of government pressure to make savings, will enter the fragrance market with a men's cologne promoted by top names from the world of football.

© BBC

The whole circus is nimbly corralled into ascerbic action by the dextrous skills of ringmaster Gary Lineker, a man whose rigorous journalistic background cannot be questioned. Unlike his shameless peddling of salt and fat-saturated snack foods to the nation's children. Behind the smile and easy charm there's a steely determination to get to the heart of the matter and reveal with a surgeon's precision how player X took a pass from his colleague and poked a ball over the line from 3 yards.

Dealing with the finer points of defending, and the abstruse reasoning behind goals conceded, we have the revered Alan Hansen on hand to point out - with the aid of his giant video screen and some diagonal lines - elements of the game the rest of us after a lifetime of watching football are still too dense to grasp.

Thank you Alan! Some people are sniping at the £40,000 per show your insights command. It's every penny well spent in my book. And why shouldn't you have chauffeured limousines to pick you up and take you home (after such a late night too), and if the good lady wife likes to escort you along to London on occassion, well, who can quibble at that? You are a national treasure!

Alongside of course my personal hero. Alan Shearer. His goalscoring record is second to none - fact. All time leading Premier League scorer with 260 goals. Not to mention his record for England. This man commands respect and it is a joy to observe how seamlessly he has slipped onto the couch alongside old hand Hansen. He handles the MOTD exposure with all the aplomb he showed in the penalty box. Of course he's yet to say anything original or show a shred of personality...but these things take time.

The scouts at Southampton can testify to that. Like his progress through the ranks, Alan will work hard, and I reckon within five years he should be matching that special charisma to camera that makes Garth Crooks mesmerising on the small screen (though in Garth's case it has taken a lot longer than 5 years to be fair).

Making up the holy trinity we have 'housewife's favourite' Mark Lawrenson. A man guaranteed to lighten the mood the minute the punditry looks like getting too serious (luckily this rarely happens). Tuning in to see the latest line in Mark's shirts is a truly rewarding experience, and I do think the BBC are really missing a trick in not recognising Mark's dry and subtle humour. I would like to see him given a chance on Q.I. or perhaps Countdown's dictionary corner if he's 'allowed' to work for the other side.

Yes indeed, I'm certain none of the magic will be lost with the move to Salford and I look forward to countless more editions of the nation's favourite football show. The producers of the programme will hopefully not lose sight of the fact that nothing must be done to this national treasure to reflect changing times. Act accordingly please, indeed as you have done for the past three decades, by staying true to your format. I'm sure you will!

Enough from me. Look out for the lads cologne in the shops. With their profile it's certain to be a big seller for the festive season. Whoops, I almost forgot to plug the name. It's called "SMUG." My farming friends liken the top note to bs...don't know what they mean by that. Is it from the periodic table? Tally ho!
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