ARSENAL : Last season took four points from us in two close games. That stat will be reversed this season. Despite the boardroom presence of Usmanov, Kroenke and Fitzman, whose entire wealth matches the GDP of Italy, Wenger now forced to sell big names and shop for bargains. Once the Asprey's of London soccer, the display cabinets are emptying faster than electrical stores along Tottenham High Road. Patchy performances and title hopes evaporating pre-Christmas only add to the morgue-like atmosphere at the Emirates.
Arsenal the car: A vintage Jaguar now mis-firing and in need of a re-spray.
Arsene Wenger on screen: George Hamilton
Home to Fulham Nov 26 @Fulham Jan 02
ASTON VILLA: Will struggle to match last season's 9th. Two draws with the Whites last season but a day one spanking by the Thames could be a marker for a season of turmoil. Big name departures from the club and dischord over their choice of new manager. Minimum four points for the Whites this time around. Further proof American owners usually fail to get it right in the EPL
Villa as a car: Like the Birmingham auto industry - on its knees. Now a mid-range Skoda
If they were a TV programme: Last of the Summer Wine
@Fulham Aug 13 Home to Fulham Mar 10
BLACKBURN ROVERS: Four points for us here last time - call that six this season. Ugly team, ghastly town, lousy manager, dodgy owners, no star names. Relegation looms. Make that one long trip less to the NW in future. Only saved themselves on the final day last May and have done nothing in the transfer market of note since. Indian owners made some bizarre noises last winter upon arrival. Doubtful even Hare Krishna can turn things around at Ewood
If the club was a film: Coneheads
Item on the menu: Mutton curry and a Cobra
@Fulham Sept 11 Home to Fulham Jan 14
BOLTON: Will again be nearer the bottom than the top. Another side who gave up four points to us and were outplayed at the Cottage. This could be a tough 2nd season for the likeable Owen Coyle and the squad on paper looks thin. As we normally enjoy playing Bolton we'll have all six off 'em this season.
If Bolton were a store: Like their identikit Reebok stadium, they are an edge of town DIY retailer.
Coyle on record: Toe-tapping Irish reels and rebel songs, but they don't sell
@Fulham Dec 17 Home to Fulham April 07
CHELSEA: I confidently predict no honours heading into Stamford Bridge this season. Very fortunate not to have been beaten at the Cottage last winter. The Prem's rookie manager inherits one of the oldest squads. Predictable player churn and stellar selection of new signings. All to no avail as they come up short in the big games, will draw too many at home, and give up at least three points to us.
Chelsea in film: The Godfather part III
Roman Abramovitch on screen: Jerry Lewis
Home to Fulham 26 Dec @Fulham April 09
EVERTON: Time for the bubble to burst at Goodison and for goggle eyes to be shown the door. Punched way above their weight last term, cannot grasp why so many are tipping the Toffees for a top 6 finish. I see them coming unstuck big time. Have done no business over the summer and will be lucky to get more than a dozen games out of Saha. With indiscipline another Goodison trait (Fellaini, Cahill, Neville) that allied to a few serious injuries will see them go into freefall. This is the season - finally - to claim that long overdue win at their place. Minimum four points for the Whites here.
If Everton were a product at the pharmacy: Hemorrhoid cream
Everton on record: Dexy's Midnight Runners
@Fulham Oct 22 Home to Fulham April 28
LIVERPOOL: Merseysiders have had humble pie forced down their throats for more than a decade, but since the arrival of 'King' Kenny I sense the Koppites are back up on their hind legs like a bunch of demented meerkats predicting big things for the coming season. Well, if they count a top 5 finish as progress - fair enough - because that's the best they can hope for. Signing British players, rather than over-rated and brittle latinos has been sensible, but with the Yanks keeping a tight rein on spending, doubts still over a new ground, and the fact that Liverpool have quite simply lost that winning mentality...there will be no sustainable title challenge from Anfield. And as our keeper will NEVER AGAIN gift any side a three goal start, we'll share the points with the Reds this time around. One last pointer for our scouser friends. Remember the anguish of watching Torres stumble around week in week out searching for a goal last term? Prepare for something similar from Mr. Carroll...
Liverpool as a car: Latest model Audi fully loaded...stolen within 48 hours
Kenny Dalglish on TV : Taggart
@Fulham Dec 03 Home to Fulham April 14
MANCHESTER CITY; £500 million in oil revenues spent on a team that still refuses to gell and will again come up short. Represents everything that's wrong with the English game. We got thumped late November with a threadbare team devoid of strikers but were full value for a point in the return at Eastlands. Who's to say we won't take points off the billionaires again? Following City is a bit like watching Gabby Logan doing BBC footie. Easy on the eye, entertaining enough,and you wouldn't mind a bit of that yourself...but trying just a tad too hard to be liked. Naked ambition can be off-putting, and anyway, who needs another legion of mouthy Mancunians givin' it large?
City on film: The Italian Job
Kolo Toure on stage : Cameo's Larry Blackmon
@Fulham Sept 17 Home to Fulham Feb 04
MANCHESTER UNITED: What can you say about the Champions? They have intelligently rebuilt the side, as Sir Alex does every couple of years, they look stronger than ever, and will again prove to have the edge where it matters, in the big games with the other title pretenders. We gave them a real fright at our place, but were feeble in the return. Let's hope for another home win at least this season just before Christmas. My personal daydream. The Glazers do a Madoff, Old Trafford becomes a giant Matalan and United are docked 80 points for irregular payments and forced to ground share with Bury.
Sir Alex Ferguson on TV : Karl Malden
If Wayne Rooney was a puppet: The teletubbies
@Fulham Dec 21 Home to Fulham Mar 24
NEWCASTLE UNITED: Look to the north-east and give thanks you are not a follower of this particular side in black and white. How the club's owner amassed a personal fortune is as mind boggling as the amount of drink swallowed by Tyneside tottie along Gallowgate on any given Saturday. All the Toon fans I met recently on a trip up north were pessimistic. This is a car crash waiting to happen. We nicked four points from 'em last season, I expect six this. There has been an exodus of talent from the club and fans will turn on the team. Blood on the walls from last season barely dry...and more to come with Ashley in charge.
If the Toon were a film: Pulp Fiction
Joey Barton on screen: Anthony Perkins
Home to Fulham Aug 28 @Fulham Jan 21
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