I don't know if anyone is interested in reading anything about Bolton Wanderers at the current time, I know I'm not. I have a proclivity toward ignoring the grim, and this is exactly the tried and tested method I'm sticking to during this loathsome period, I shall simply assume that eventually our poor run will just disappear, perhaps this weekend at Wigan.

I even found myself showing some interest in the national team just to allow myself the joys of supporting a “winning team,” I should have known better. I could instead just post an essay entitled “Why Arnold Schwarzenegger is the most underrated actor of his generation,” however, this would probably be seen as an attempt to shy away from my BWFC responsibilities (not that much BWFC things are happening)... anyway, here goes.

The game on Saturday is a clash of two teams that are in need of an uplifting result. Wigan have lost their last five games and will be looking to score some goals against a defence that has been as shockingly horrendous as Hercules in New York, this film was only saved by Schwarzenegger and his amazingly deadpan, subtle and some might even say “dubbed” performance.

While we shuddered at the slightest glimpse of our early Premier League fixtures, Wigan were given the chance to build a promising platform by playing the three promoted teams in their first three league games. They managed to pick up five points but have been unable to build on this start. Bolton however, have collected only three points and conceded a massive 21 goals in just seven games, freaky man!

What the players must not do is assume that things will get easier because the fixtures look a little sweeter on the wall-chart and then adopt a more relaxed attitude (if this is possible). We should look to Arnold for inspiration, sure, he may have started with such roles as “Muscleman” in a series called “The San Pedro beach bums”, but who would have thought that the thick accented bodybuilder from Austria would become the legendary action hero he is, and even scale the lofty high of the US government. So no need to worry, there is time for the Wanderers yet.

It is difficult to outline what exactly Owen can do to change our fortunes. Is it just that we have been beaten by great teams, or is there a fundamental problem in our personnel or defensive tactics? Only time will tell, as after a few more games, we can no longer use the “playing against top teams” excuse, or the, “it was never a red card” excuse (I am currently using these excuses). One player that would like his chance to shine this weekend is Gael Kakuta, “I came here to play. No player likes to be sitting on the bench.” I would like to see him get his chance, as he was involved in our only joyous performance of recent times in the cup game at Villa. Although, so was Stuart Holden, and he seems to be the catalyst for any good performance we have, so it doesn’t look like we will be having another one for a good while.

Looking at results, it is ridiculous how one player has become so essential for an entire team to perform, it really can’t be a coincidence that since Evans put the boot in, the feel good factor and results have both gone downhill. Holden is like Colonel John Matrix from Commando, a one man army making an assault on the enemy fortress’ Get well soon(er) Stu! (OK, I’m sick of the Arnie stuff too, no more.. I pwomisse).

Owen will yet again have some thinking to do when it comes to his forward options, with Klasnic returning, will he be given his shirt back, and if so, whom shall be his dance partner? It will probably be more likely that if Klas should make his return, it will be from the bench at a later stage if the game, if we need him that is. I know the following sentence is mega annoyingly obvious and cliché, but I am going to use it anyway. We could really do with the three points this weekend. There, I said it. It will allow us to leapfrog the Latics and hopefully give us the boost needed to get up up up the ziggurat lickety split.

Looks like the great and powerful Bogdan will not get a chance to redeem himself after his game to forget against Chelsea, with Owen Coyle hinting that Jussi will be back fit for the weekend’s game. Let us not pretend we all didn’t want Bogdan to get a chance in the team, and let’s not pretend we are not now slightly disappointed Ali Al-Habsi is no longer with us, even though we probably weren’t too bothered when he left. The one that got away will come up against us for the first time this weekend, so let’s hope he justifies the clubs decision to let him go by letting a few goals in. Unfortunately I cannot relate this paragraph to Schwarzenegger in any known way.

Clarke Carlisle is a clever soul, wasn’t he on countdown or something? Well now he is saying more clever things, he has been saying to “all and sundry” that Bolton “would be insane to sack Owen now.” How filled with intelligence is that sentence, “all and sundry”, no footballer has ever used that term. He explained that the club has “been a victim of fixtures.” Hopefully he is correct. Get to da choppa…. Irrelevant I know.

(A very poor) News in bullet points.

• Ricardo Gardner is happy to be back playing. So much so, he says he is happy to play anywhere…in goal?
• Our defending is remarkably like by my defending on Fifa12.
• Gary Cahill is going to be signed by every team in the G14.
• There is genuine belief that Arnie once trained in Wigan (no joke).
• There is no Bolton Wanderers things to talk about (no joke).

twitter.com/mcskimming

P.S – Is this season’s shirt more fitted, or am I just putting on weight?

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